I'm at a hard place right now. I'm failing and stumbling and consumed with doubts, fears and self-hatred.
And yet, I have to look up. I have to start moving again. I have to start LIVING.
One thing I am struggling with is writing. I've never really had many doubts about writing. Now suddenly I'm consumed with such. It's unnerving. But I have to look past it.
I once read something about writing not always being fun or easy but being right. That is so true. So why have I let myself go with writing so little. Well for one, writing takes a lot of effort. Especially when I end up writing about psycologically heavy issues which is so often. I end up feeling too much. So I allowed myself to pull away.
My mom said she used to try to get me to play with Barbies but I refused, but then whe I did start I became obsessed. I continued playing with them in middle school even. I am greatful for my cousin Tammy for the way we'd play with them. We created elaborate stories. For years with my sisters, we'd have the same characters and continue stories day after day, year after year. I'd go to sleep each night planning what might happen the next day.
And then one day while riding around, I began writing what I thought would just be a poem about the character/Barbie that was always mine. And then it becamthe first scene of her story. And then it became my first writing attempt. One day I do hope to finish typing it up for myself, but I know it will only be for myself. There is too much that I'm unwilling to change.
But that is how I began writing.
I can remember how I used to just constantly create stories in my mind.
And I don't really do that anymore. And I miss it.
I have to figure out how to open up my mind again to creating stories and picturing them.
My current WIP (work in progress) is gaping and has so many holes in it that I'm only now seeing, and quite frankly it is freaking me out. I keep wondering if I can fill in the holes enough for it to work.
But this is where I have to just write and see.
